Children's questions about funerals
This page is designed especially for children. It will help you
answer some question you may have about death, funeral, and feelings.
When
someone you know or love dies, it can be a very confusing time.
What you need to know is that everybody dies at some time, and
it is ok to feel confused. Dying does not need to be scary, and
the more you know the more comfortable you will be when you talk
about death.
Q.
What is death?
A. Death is the permanent cessation of vital signs (Webster's
Dictionary). This means that either the heart or brain has stopped
working and cannot be fixed. The person does not breathe, move,
or feel pain. Death is very quiet and peaceful. Death can happen
a lot of ways: sickness or disease, by accident, or by the hand
of someone else. When someone we love dies, we oftentimes get
together to remember and say goodbye; this is called a funeral.
Q.
What is a funeral?
A. A funeral is an event to get together with family and
friends to remember and say goodbye to a loved one who has died.
Funerals are not scary and should not be uncomfortable. If you
are uncomfortable at a funeral, tell your parents. It helps when
you talk about things. Not all funerals are the same. Different
religions and cultures have different rituals, but many have music,
flowers, and prayers.
Q.
Is there anything I can do to help?
A. Yes, sometimes you can help make the funeral arrangements.
This means you may be allowed to help select flowers, songs, clothes
for the deceased, and even the casket (the box-like container
a body is buried in (Rofes, 317)). Sometimes being on your best
behavior and helping your parents can be the biggest help of all.
Q.
What if I feel sad, is it ok to cry?
A. Yes, sometimes it makes you feel better to cry. It is
natural for everyone to cry. If your mom and dad cry, you should
not be afraid; they are just showing that they are sad. It is
ok for everyone to cry; boys, girls, moms, and dads. Most people
feel very sad when someone they love dies, they feel sad because
they will miss that person very much, and crying is a natural
way to show sadness.
Q.
Is it ok to touch a dead body, or will I get in trouble?
A. If you have an adult with you at the funeral home, it
is ok to touch a dead body, and you will not get in trouble. You
are naturally curious, and sometimes when you see and touch a
dead body it helps you answer your questions. Remember to be gentle
and have an adult help you. Don't be afraid about how the body
feels or looks. The body may feel cool and the skin might not
be as soft as yours, but this is normal.
Q.
Is it ok to put something in the casket?
A. Yes, it can be very helpful for you to put something
special of yours in the casket. You can put small items in the
casket that are important to you; such things as notes saying
goodbye, pictures, even a small toy. No matter what it is, it
may help you feel better to know that something of yours is with
the dead body.
Death
can be very confusing, but it is a natural part of being human.
Death is very peaceful and quiet. It can be very sad, but you
should remember that person for the good things they did and how
special they were to you. Saying goodbye can be very hard, but
understanding death and being able to help will help you feel
better. Don't be afraid to talk with your parents, relatives,
or teachers about how you are feeling. Talking about it will make
you feel better. Ask questions and listen closely; but don't be
afraid to talk about death or the person who died. The more you
know, the better off you will be.
References
- Rofes,
Eric E. and The Unit at Fayerweather Street School. The Kids'
Book About Death and Dying. Little Brown and Company, 1985.
pp. 31-47.
- Webster's
Dictionary. Nickel Press, 1991, K. Nichols.
