Ritual for Children
This page is designed to help parents explain death to children
and help children who are mourning. This page will answer frequently
asked questions about children and their understanding of death.
What
children understand about death varies by age.
Ages
1-3 years
Children in this age group have little understanding of death.
They often do not realize what has happened, sometimes they believe
the person is sleeping and cannot understand the permanence (Wolfelt,
23).
Ages
4-6 years
Children in this age group have little concept of death but more
of an idea than 1-3 year olds. These kids may understand that
death is sad, but may not know why—they typically react to
the people around them (Wolfelt, 23). Closer to the age of six
they begin to understand about death, however, the permanence
is not totally understood. Children around age six become preoccupied
by funerals and cemeteries.
Ages
7-9 years
These children start to perceptualize the finality and become
interested in the causes of death (Wolfelt, 24). They now understand
the concept of death and begin asking questions about what happens
after death, and realize they will someday become old and die
(Wolfelt 24).
Of
course, not all children fall into these categories by age. Each
child develops individually and matures differently.
Some
frequently asked questions:
Q.
What do I tell my child when someone close to them dies?
A. Tell them the truth, and tell them as soon as possible.
Children have a tremendous ability to cope. Most people try to
shield children from death, when actually this does more harm
than good. Explain how the person died and what events will take
place in the following days. Allow the child to participate as
much as possible. Try not use euphemisms as this can become confusing
and may even scare a child.
Q.
Should I bring my children to the funeral/visitation?
A. Yes, a funeral is very important is the grieving and
mourning processes. Children as well as adults need closure, and
a funeral can offer this. Allowing children to participate in
rituals and events helps them to create a memory picture and recall
the events later in life (Canine, 209).
Q.
Should I bring my child to the cemetery?
A. Yes, even if the body is already buried. It can be reassuring
to know where the body will be. A grave site can be where the
child makes "contact" with the loved one after they are gone (Canine,
209).
Q.
What do I do if my child wants to touch the body?
A. Let them. Make sure you or another adult is there to
supervise and offer assistance. Explain to the child that he or
she should be gentle and the body will not necessarily feel the
same as his or hers. Children are very curious and have the need
to explore, so be as understanding as possible. However, do not
force a child to touch or kiss a dead body as this can be very
frightening.
Q.
What kinds of services are available for my child after a loss?
A. There are many different types of help available. There
are support groups. Other forms of help are available such as
individual counseling, psychiatry and other professions. Consult
you funeral director if you have questions.
Remember
that when talking to children about death always speak to them
in a way they can understand, however, be careful not to sound
condescending. Children can tell when they are being talked down
to. Be a good observer and listener. Try to answer all your child's
questions. Allow your child to express his/her feeling regarding
the matter, and don't be afraid to show emotion around your children;
it can be very healing. It is important to respect your child
and be a good listener.
As
hard as parents try to protect their children from harmful things,
information about death should not be one of those things. The
more children know about death the better they can cope with it,
sometimes better than adults.
More
information: Our frequently
asked questions especially for children
References
- Canine,
John D. The Psychosocial Aspects of Death and Dying.
Appleton & Lange, 1996. pp. 207-219.
-
Wolfelt, Alan Ph.D. Helping Children Cope with Grief.
Accelerated Development Inc., 1983. pp. 22-31.
